Chasing Trauma – Are You Addicted to Stress?
You may feel like you can never relax, that you attract drama or the idea of someone telling you to meditate is absolutely absurd? This may be why.
We can never run away from stress, good or bad. Stress is part of our make-up. It is our relationship with stress that makes the difference.
At lower levels or in short bursts, cortisol, our stress hormone is needed to get things done, to protect ourselves. However, having high amounts of stress and cortisol being pumped into our bloodstream changes how our brain and body functions. Our body is clever, just like a drug or alcohol that may be bad for us, our body gets used to it, and in withdrawal, we may feel sick or anxious without it. Ever felt unnerved when there is no drama going on or you are just sitting alone with your thoughts? We are missing the thing that is bad for us.
So the question is, are we doing this to ourselves, and why? Let's simplify it, because someone telling you to just calm down, is not exactly the solution. We need to make slowing down, a HABIT.
From a physical and brain perspective, the hormones and habits we have created in our bodies work against us, even when we know we do not want stress.
The brain develops a tolerance for stress, meaning we need more of it to feel the same sort of rush and consistency. Examples of this is when we procrastinate because we thrive under pressure, or go into relationships where we get our self-worth from "fixing" the other person, even though we know it is toxic.
Symptoms of this come out physically such as fatigue, increased heart rate, high blood pressure, a change in appetite, anxiety and depression. When we are in this cycle we will complain of feeling overwhelmed, yet subconsciously avoid relaxation and continue to pile on stressors to our lives. We continue to increase our cortisol and mess with our adrenal system. We are chasing the trauma.
From a psychological point of view there are two main sides to this addiction.
The first being we are chasing trauma because - as a child we were exposed to such stress or trauma that it is our norm, that is where our comfort lies, even though we logically know it is not good for us. So, we look for environments which will feed into this idea we have of ourselves. We look for those same environments, because it is familiar, it gives us comfort, and then we find it. The confirmation bias of, what we look for, we will find.
The second reason is because this addiction to stress gives us self-worth. We as a society have become so conditioned to believe the only way to be good enough is to overload ourselves. Our society tends to glorify being busy, and productive, even if we are not happy and we are burnt out while doing it.
Being a workaholic, working out more in the gym, starving ourselves, it is chasing the pain, not the balance. Eating disorders are at the highest they have ever been because despite the body positivity culture, starving yourself is somehow admired for the struggle. It is as if our self-worth is determined on how much we can push ourselves, how much we can suffer. We tell our selves because we are suffering, it must be worth something.
We start to make these habitual patterns of overthinking and it becomes part of our functioning. How exhausting to pull apart and analyze ever small thing, every thought we have. All day we are thinking how we are making breakfast, what another person is thinking, why they acted that way. Then, when it comes to the big things, we wonder why we have this overwhelming anxiety and sense of dread and then avoid it all together. Our brain is tired.
We avoid what matters, and involve ourselves with stressors and drama and other peoples lives, to not confront our own.
We now need to recondition ourselves to normalize slowing down, to focus on what matters. This is easier said than done, but there is a reason why techniques and practices such as meditation, movement, journaling and grounding are repeated ad nauseum around this topic, it just takes consistency. We consistently wired ourselves to be addicted to stress, now we need to do the opposite. As John De Paola said, “Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.”
What we can do
To combat this and rewire our brains, we need to focus on what are the things that put us in a flow state, that we are fully present while doing - and do more of that. Relaxing is personal, and has to be what works for us. It does not have to be a spa day or meditation, but anything that makes us present and grounded where we are.
Interestingly enough, it has been shown that those with learning disabilities have a higher percentage of life satisfaction and happiness. The same is reported with children. Why do we think that is? They report an equal-to or greater-than quality of life. Less overcomplicating, less comparison. It is appreciating life for what it is, for what we have. Not wanting more. Not needing to understand and dissect everything. Happiness could exist without contingencies. Perhaps it is true, some things do not need to make sense, “It just is what it is”.
Balance really is everything, and this has been repeated to us, for a reason.
So start simple - Ways to reduce stress addiction:
pet time (or time with a friend; fastest access to your flow state)
low-intensity exercise (jump around/dance/walk)
reduce unstimulating time (lessen social media time)
declutter (one drawer/one folder on your phone)
have no-plan days (no phone, no plans, no expectations)
reduce caffeine (gradually)
reduce sugar (not eliminate)
let others do things for you (and do things for others!)
try new things ( activates different areas of the brain)
simplify (you don’t need 100 notes, lists, and plans; your brain is overwhelmed already)
We are not machines; our worth is not dependent on how busy we are or what we can do. We can be the most successful or productive person out there but be absolutely miserable in everything we do.
Happiness is for us; our life is for us. To focus on what matters. No matter where you are, you can transform and have a better life. One of the most revolutionary things that I have heard is, “what if it was easy? “
What if we did not need to make things as hard as we do for ourselves? What if we did not need to chase pain and drama?
What if how we are seeing it and processing it, is what is making it difficult?
It is not about just getting it done, it is about how you feel about what you are doing.
It is not about what you do, it is about who you are.
With all my love.
CDW
